A Time To Cry

When I had my first baby, I was 18 years old. I had plenty of babysitting experience but that didn't prepare me for a fussy, unhappy baby. I've been burdened by guilt for all these 45 years because he cried so much. I feel like a failure as a mom.

I felt so alone. My mom came to help the first week but she had several teeth pulled so she wasn't feeling well. She did let me sleep the first couple of nights. After she left I didn't feel I could call her for advice because I thought she would think I was a terrible mom; I didn't want to admit I wasn't perfect.

I wish I would have tried nursing him but there was no one around to support me and even the hospital didn't encourage me. It might have made him healthier. He was on formula. He would gulp down a bottle so fast, then during a burp or just resting he would spit up all that he drank and he would be hungry again, way before he was due to eat. It became a vicious cycle that went on day and night. He cried and cried and cried, and so did I. I assumed it was a tummy ache that caused his crying.

We tried car rides in the middle of the night, bouncing, walking, and we were so thankful for the wind-up swing. Even though it made a terrible cranking noise when we wound it up - that always woke him up. I tried to explain to my doctor the problem but after examining him (looking healthy and gaining weight) he scolded me for bringing him in and for worrying. He said, "He's fine!" But he sure wasn't a happy baby. And I wasn't a happy mom. I left the doctor's office sobbing.

As I look back I think I probably suffered with postpartum depression. I don't know if it was colic, or an allergy to the formula or what?  He would cry, sleep only short intervals, and I'd try everything to make him happy and sometimes I'd finally put him safely in his bed and let him cry while I closed the door and covered my ears and cried with him.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God," (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV).

Thankfully, we have a loving, caring God who forgives us and has created us in His likeness. He gives us comfort for the years of trouble and blesses us bountifully. Thank you, God.